Depressing Stories

A young man is watching TV. Suddenly, his phone rings and the machine picks up. The voice says: “Hey, Ricky, it’s me… It’s your father… You there? Look, I know we haven’t talked in a while, it’s just that… I’m sorry for all the wasted years. I… I just got back from the doctor and… he says I don’t have much time left. I don’t… I don’t expect you to forgive me, I just want to hear your voice one last time before I die. Please… I guess you’re not there. Please call me back, son. I love you.” Ricky changes the channel on the TV.

A woman, who is already a mother, is at the hospital, pregnant. Due to some complications, she and the baby die. When he gets home, the father promises the child that his mother and unborn brother are in a better place. The second day, when the father comes back from work, he finds his child dead, having hung himself. After he takes the child down, he finds a note in his pocket saying “Daddy, I went to the better place to find mommy.”

A grown man with down syndrome has no friends, except for an egg that he carries with him everywhere. One day he is playing with his egg and he drops it. So he gets down on his knees and starts crying and saying that everything is gonna’ be OK and he’ll put it back together and they’ll start playing again in no time.

A man loves his blind wife very very much. So one day he decides to donate his eyes so that she can see everything she’s been missing all these years. Once the procedure is finished, she takes a look at her husband and sees that he is so hideous, that she leaves and never comes back. The man never sees her or anything again.

An adopted girl spends her whole life trying to find her real mother, and when she finally finds her she finds out she’s a homeless woman. Despite how disgusting she is, the girl invites her mother to come live with her. One day the girl comes come to find that her mother had stolen everything of value from her home and left, but despite that, the girl still loves her mother and thinks she can change her, so she spends the rest of her life trying to find her again, going so far to sell her house; she never does, so she dies alone, homeless and heartbroken.

Judgment Day

A day. Just a normal day, like any other, nothing too fancy. I woke up, washed up, had a bite to eat… y’know, the things normal people do on normal days. I got dressed and went to my car, to go to work. Don’t remember how, exactly, but somewhere along the way there was an accident, I think. I think I hit a wall or something, or a truck. Don’t know, can’t remember. But that’s not important, the details are trivial and pointless right now. I remember waking up on a plateau, huge, covered in grass. Everywhere around me, people, they all formed lines. ’bout a hundred or so per line, I think. At the end of every line, a table, at the table, 3 men. 3 giants.

“Wow… you ever seen anything like this?” Somebody asked me. “No… What the hell is this?” I answered. “I… I think this is the Last Judgment. It’s like I always imagined it… Look at that castle! With it’s pearly gates and all!” I looked around but didn’t see anything, certainly no castle – this guy was friggin’ insane. “What the hell you talkin’ about? What fucking castle? All I see is a huge plain with…” Then I realized, this really was the Last Judgment. It was just like I imagined it. It was just like that crazy guy imagined it. We each had our own image of the pearly gates or whatever, and we each saw our own version.

I moved up the line, people were disappearing left and right. I guess they each got their judgment and got sent to limbo or wherever the Hell they send people. I looked at the giants standing at the table. The one in the middle was old and gray, looked wise. To his right was a young man, upright and just, had graceful bearing. To the left of the old man was a withered warrior, dressed in furs, his face bloody. The one in the middle spoke:

“Welcome to thy Censure. Thou shalt not carp, and besought for a query thou shalt be upon ending. Foremostly, I shall giveth thee our tale: Millenia ago one of thy ilk was made dead and hath refused Judgement. Cast out was he in darkness, not in Hell, forever damned as a beast. Returneth hath he, not in this place, but forever, questing to pervert My creation, his darkness beshielding him from My eyes. The footing turneth dire and for the first time in ages, Lucifer hath rejoined my Fold, his help invaluable to our cause. Needeth I help from thee also. Thou shalt be sent back into thy time, to seek out this dragon and stop him in My name. Aided thou shalt be by Michael and Lucifer, who have much war and battle seen. Thy query shalt now be posed: Wish thee to help?”

Dumbfounded, I mumbled a “Yes.” I don’t think I could have answered anything else… Free-will my ass, I wasn’t anything special, I wasn’t a superhero, I was just an ordinary guy, minding his business, wanting to get in Heaven or Hell and rest eternally. I don’t know why I was chosen. I also remember thinking it was odd that God would speak in old English, but, then again, that talk of castles made me think medieval…

“You have chosen well, my friend.” The young man started to speak. “With my and Lucifer’s help, you will surely find and kill this accursed beast. I won’t be accompanying you on your quest, but I will give you new found strength to carry on with your journey. It will be a long and hard one. Whenever you feel down heartened, you can be sure that I’ll look down on you and you will feel revived! This is my gift to you. I would come with you, but I cannot hide my presence and the Evil One would surely dispatch me with ease. He feeds off both the divinity and the infernal. And it makes him stronger.”

The warrior, who I guess was Lucifer, motioned me to come and talk to him, which I did.

“Like my… lighthearted friend over there, I will present you with a gift. I will give you the resolve needed to perform the acts you are about to. Whenever guilt or fear will overpower you, I’ll promptly be there to give you back your mettle. Like my trampling friend over there, I can’t join you either, for the reasons he just explained. What he didn’t tell you, neither he nor God, I mean, what they didn’t tell you is that we don’t actually know how this… thing looks or acts or even how he corrupts. You need to be on your guard, suspicious of everybody. Like that trite saying goes, “Trust no one.”. Keep it in mind!”

God spoke to me again.

“Returneth to thy time, and taketh heart in the fact that Heaven is watching over thee! For if thou fail, all Creation is doomed.”

–

I remember waking up in a hospital. The doctors told me I lost a lot of blood. Can’t quite remember what they said. I remember it was pretty messy, I was unconscious for a couple of weeks, I got memory problems… There’s something wrong with my elbow, either way. I think they said I shot myself and I lost a lot of blood, that’s why I fell unconscious. I think. I… I’m not sure.

Anyway, for a couple of years, I mostly stumbled around, not having a clear goal in my quest. “Fucking bullshit”, I remember thinking about it – no clear target, no divine or infernal tools to carry out my mission. I had to fend for myself, so I did what every other sane man did: I bought a gun. Nice piece, le’me tell ya’, Carcano rifle, 6.77 caliber, sniper scope. A real beauty. I used an alias, of course, what if the Beast found out? My mission would have been over before it began!

A few months passed, my target nowhere in sight. I just wandered the now empty streets. Maggots, all of them. Worms, of no importance, they have no idea that they’re lost. They should respect me, I am the Lord’s Tool, the Devil’s Weapon! I am here to exterminate a being that threatens their very existence, and they have no idea! They’re inconsequential!

A couple more months pass and something is stirring. I can feel it. Everybody’s getting riled up. I had to do some things to get money, I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t afford food anymore. I couldn’t go to work, I had an important mission from God to carry out! I cashed in an unemployment check, due to my inability to work, because of my accident. Anyway, something was in the air, I could feel it. The beast approached, I had little time left.

Two weeks passed and I had my target. “Oh, how I missed it, of course! That snake, prostituted us, fed on our souls, that harlot, that beast! I know what I must do, now it’s all clear.” I thanked my resolve for not leaving me, I gather my mettle, I would need all of it to face the trial ahead. That fucking rat bastard is dead, he’ll get what’s coming to him!

–

“I did it. The fucking rat is dead. But his forces captured me shortly after I did the deed. I was careless and I got caught by one of the Beast’s minions. I tried hiding in a dark place, but that was a mistake, because those minions thrive on darkness. How could I be so dumb?! At least I took one of those motherfuckers out before they got me! They locked me up and accused me of killing him. I spat on them! They’re lost, their souls are lost too! I will reap my rewards in the afterlife!

But I’ll take solace in the fact that I finished my mission and right now I’m sure that my God will come and rescue me. After all, if the Beast is dead, He has no reason to not show Himself!”

–

“The Beast’s minions parade me like the fallen idol of a pathetic ideal! They spit on me, they judge me for killing their leader. Phah! Who are they to judge me?! Only God can judge me, God has judged me, and I have passed His judgment! I am His Tool! I did His bidding, I ended the reign of the Beast!

-

“God is nowhere in sight, for the time being, but Lucifer told me he’ll be coming to get me soon. I don’t know what that means, I tried asking him if God is waiting for me and he just laughed and said he’ll see me in a couple of days.”

–

Excerpt from The New York Times:

“The President is Killed by Sniper as He Rides in Car in Dallas!

President is Struck Down by a Rifle Shot From Building on Motorcade Route!

DALLAS, Nov. 22 – President John Fitzgerald Kennedy was shot and killed by an assassin today! He died of a wound in the brain caused by a rifle bullet that was fired at him as he was riding through downtown Dallas in a motorcade.
Vice President Lyndon Baines Johnson, who was riding in the third car behind Mr. Kennedy’s, was sworn in as the 36th President of the United States 99 minutes after Kennedy’s death. Mr. Johnson is 55 years old; Mr. Kennedy was 46.
Shortly after the assassination, Lee H. Oswald, who once defected to the Soviet Union and who has been active in the Fair Play for Cuba Committee, was arrested by the Dallas police. Tonight he was accused of the killing.”

Funny joke

The rich man and the poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They meet on Madison Avenue, buying presents for their wives. The poor man asks the rich man “What did you get your wife?” The rich man says ” I got her a diamond ring and a brand new Mercedes.” The poor man asks “Why did you get her those two items?” The rich man says “Well, if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, she can take it back in the Mercedes and still feel good about herself.” Rich man then asks the poor man “What did you get your wife?” Poor man says “I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.” Rich man asks “Why did you get your wife a pair of slippers and a dildo?” Poor man responds “If she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.”

8 classy ways to end a relationship with a lady friend

1. Call her a whore – Simple, terse, crisp… Hemingway, I believe, said that “the job of the writer is to write the truest sentence”. And… it’s true. She’s a whore. Why would you say she is if she isn’t? Ask her this question – emphasize the words “why” “I” “this” and “wasn’t” when asking “Why would I be asking this if it wasn’t true?!”. If she didn’t leave when you called her a whore, she sure as hell will once you start emphasizing words like a maniac. Also, cackling! Never can go wrong with cackling!

2. Call her mother a whore – Now… you may not know her mother, and she may very well not be a whore, but until you have concrete proof, like a picture of her not sucking a dick, you must assume otherwise – sure, she may have loads of pictures of her not sucking dick, you may have even seen some, but have you ever seen a picture of her expressly not sucking dick? That there should arouse your suspicion. She may have eaten it up! Gobble gobble gobble! You never know…

3. Call her mother and ask her to call her daughter a whore – A bit out of the way, I guess, but the message should be clear, once delivered by her mother. Sure, her mother might be reluctant, at first, but I find that threats of physical violence do wonders for the reluctant! A punch in the tits should be alright, but don’t be afraid to enact more extreme forms of convincing, should she still prove reluctant!

4. Call her father a whore – Again, you must be careful with your assumptions, especially if her father is bigger than you. If he is, call him a “man-whore”. It makes a world of difference, trust me!

5. Call her grandmother a whore – And when she looks weird at you, wink. Winking is classy, isn’t it?

6. Ask her over to your apartment and once there, put on the movie of her whoring it up – You prerecorded this stuff, right? You must always be prepared! Proof shouldn’t be that hard to come by. The best proof can be found going through her garbage, her clothes or wherever else you feel you could find it. Be creative, even if it means filming yourself going through her trash. She’ll get the picture, trust me!

7. Kick her dog – Now, we all know animal/child abuse is inherently funny (I stick both in there because both value pretty much the same), but you really need to be careful with this. You need to be in a place where she can see you kicking her dog while laughing and possibly calling it her name, but not in a place where others can see you – her back garden is OK, but in front of the Church on a Sunday morning isn’t. It’s all in the details. This is also dependent on the size of her dog. If it’s a chihuahua, you could probably launch it with one well placed kick and, while hilarious, it can prove a mistake, as the dog could conceivably land in one of her neighbors’ garden and alert them to your presence. If it’s a German Shepard, wait until it’s asleep or, better yet, drug it. Then kick it. Also very important is what you do after you’ve kicked her dog like it’s a soccer ball. Best, I feel, is to stare at her and yell “You did this! This is on you!”. Then leave.

8. Change her birth control pills with sugar pills – Or, for better results, with Ecstasy pills. This, on the other hand, might have the undesired effect of making her other boyfriend(s) feel more macho, as they’ve impregnated her even though she was on “the pill”. The most important thing to do, though, regardless, is slide this topic into friendly conversation, but be sure not to blunt it! “So, I heard you were infecting another man with your pussy-stank. I hope you enjoy all the unwanted pregnancy you’re gonna’ get, whore, since I changed your birth control tablets with something else Mwaha… Mwahaha… MWAHAHAHHA!”.

I am absolutely sure there are many other classy ways to end a relationship with a lady friend. Feel free to drop me a line and inform me on them!

Keep it classy!

Lines to avoid when writing a movie script (II)

(continued from den.ulf.ro)

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this!” – I cannot understand where they could get the bad feeling about <<that>>. Aren’t all haunted mines/alien spaceships/monster caves sure to provide ample opportunities for good times and fun?

“Let’s get the hell out of here!” – ’cause… Y’know, it needs to be said. I like to imagine this like an exchange between two characters: “C’mon… Let’s get out of here!”
“No, let’s stay here in the soon to be/just was destroyed fortress/warehouse of the villain. Our deaths shall be sung in bardic tales for the ages!”
“Listen. I hate you.”

“Stay in the car!”/”Stay here!” – There are two things (AND ONLY THOSE TWO) that happen whenever this line is uttered:
1. The guy/girl leaves the car/place and fucks everything up for the hero.
OR
2. The guy/girl stays in the car and the fucked up shit happens in or around the car.
Great way to provide tension there, hacks!

“We should/Let’s split up!” – OK, sure, we have a masked killer on the loose who likes to torture and rape lonely teens and you’re a group consisting of a blond cheerleader, a chess club nerd, a high-school jock and a sharp-tongued skank with street smarts. Usually, the skank is the only one who opposes the up-split. But she’s a skank, so, y’know, fuck her and good sense too. They do a wicked upside-down one-two Cincinnati Bow-tie.

“This conversation is over!/I’m hanging up now!” – I have never, and have never met a person who ended a conversation ever in their lives with “This conversation is over” or “I’m hanging up now!”. It’s like the writers were so bad at talking to people the only interaction with a faux-human being was through writing scripts, except, due to their lack of human contact, make it come off as robotic and unnatural – it’s like getting hit in the balls with a wiffleball bat – sure, it might be a soft bat and it might not have much of an impact, but at the end of the day, you’re still walking funny.

Psychopath Test

There is one very precise answer to the Psychopath Test. Get it right and win a free trip to a padded room. Get it wrong and… be normal? I guess?

Anyway:

“A woman meets the man of her dreams at her mother’s funeral. They hit it off instantly, he is great for her, she is great for him. They talk for hours, go out and grab dinner, they have everything in common, she even feels butterflies in her stomach. When they part, later that evening, she realizes that except his first name, she knows nothing about him.

What must she do to meet him again?”

Post your answers in the comments.

Welcome, people!

Well, hello there, potential (imaginary) visitor!

Fellas, you are all very handsome, in a rugged, manly kind of way, and I’d take you out to lunch in a heartbeat! I’d even pay for it!

Ladies, please feel free to drop in on me at any time, for the rough equivalent of pig fuckin’.

Keep it classy, y’all!